Get me outta here!

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Ten Things Not To Tell Your 30-Something Single Women Friends

A while back I read an article in the same vein, and I found some things I could relate to. While others didn’t quite strike a chord with me, I felt there could be more to the list. So here’s my take on this one.

I’m 32 and single; almost all of my friends are married, most have kids as well. There are about five I can count who fall in the same category as me, i.e. 30+ and not married. All of them have great careers from what I can gather (I’m not particularly close to most of them). And I’m sure they too get to hear these a lot – from annoying aunts to irritating friends to random “well-wishers”. In the interests of being tactful, polite, and diplomatic I usually plaster a fake smile on my face - my reactions range from just ignoring them, nodding along politely, playfully arguing, changing the topic abruptly, to the rare burst of anger or rudeness.

So here goes:

1) But you’re so…suitable…I mean you’re good looking, have a job, you’re funny, you’re well spoken, confident….I wonder why you haven’t found someone yet!
I’ll let you in on a secret. I turn into a scary Godzilla type thing from time to time, and that’s been scaring away all the guys. I feel a transformation coming on right about now, so you might want to go hide under the bed!
See, I know I’m cool. I’m not being immodest here. I am what I am. And I don’t know why I haven’t found the right guy yet. Believe it or not, there isn’t really a logical answer to this question. It just hasn’t clicked.
And the other side of the coin, which you are conveniently ignoring, the guys I met are not “suitable”. They’ve been mediocre at best, and I didn’t feel a connect. That’s all. It’s not about being pretty or cool or funny, it’s about connecting. C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G.

2) You need to compromise. Your expectations are too high, and there are no perfect men out there. Just lower your standards a tad, you’ll get used to it.
This one’s actually logical and reasonable. As in, I know there are no perfect men. And I’m not perfect either. Far from it. And marriage, or any relationship, is about compromise to a degree. I’ve been in enough relationships to understand about compromise. Being with family and friends also demands compromise. So far I’m with you.
But where to make that compromise is up to me and only me. I decide what I can live with and what I cannot. Just as I am not trying to tell you what to compromise on, please refrain from telling what to compromise on. Peace.

3) You’re too successful. You earn too much. That’s the problem.
Okay so I have a good job, which I have studied hard for and worked hard for. Maybe some guys find that intimidating. Maybe they get a complex, that they haven’t done as well as I have. That they don’t earn as much as I do. Maybe they feel threatened.
That’s really their problem, not mine. When I meet a guy who is as happy and encouraging about my success as he is about his, I know I found a keeper. I just refuse to feed bad about my successful career. Or my independence.

4) Think of your parents; get married at least for their sake!
Here’s what I don’t get. My parents are open minded and strong enough to let me make my own choices. They don’t feel the need to emotionally blackmail me into getting married (and they know it’ll work). Why do you feel so strongly about my parents’ and my welfare? I know it’s not concern; we’re not even that close. Really, why do you say this bit?
My parents have been uber supportive of me all my life. They’re happy if I’m happy, and they’ve left the choice up to me. Why can’t you?

5) Aren’t you upset that your younger sister/brother/cousin is getting married before you? Or that all your friends are getting married?
Yeah, getting upset about that is what’s going to get me a guy. Or make me happy. Nope. I’m happy for them. Period.

6) You need to get married soon, or all the good guys will get taken.
So it’s kinda like a sale. Make a rush or you’ll have to settle for a size that won’t fit or a color that you don’t like. Or worse, not find anything at all. A “friend” recently told me, if you don’t get married soon, you’ll miss the train…it’s departing fast, you’re going to be left alone at the station. As silly as I found the analogy, I’d rather be alone at the station than get on the wrong train, just because I HAVE to take a train.
I don’t see the point in getting married for the sake of marriage. A lot of people, in fact most people in India, decide that it’s time to get married, and then start looking out and find someone who fits the bill. For me, this logic is upside down. I need to meet someone, want to spend the rest of my life with him and then decide to get married.
I’m not judging those who do the former, and I don’t want to be judged for trying to do the latter!

7) I know this great guy you should meet…
Umm…yeah, so the thing about being set up by your friends - it becomes more of a match that makes sense to them than to you and the other person. While I get the mostly good intentions behind this, there is sometimes additional pressure to like the guy, give it a shot, make it work….you get my drift. You’re kinda answerable to someone. And if things don’t really work out, it gets awkward with the friend who tried to set you up in the first place.
Just because two people are single, they don’t necessarily need to click. So, why not just invite two people to the same party, introduce them, and leave it at that, without bringing up the term “setting up”?

8) Don’t you feel the need to have a man in your life?
No. My life runs fine without a man in my life. I have great family and friends and pets, a good job, I’m independent, I’m healthy, I socialise enough, I’m financially secure…so no, I don’t feel the NEED to have a man in my life.
Having said that, yes, it would be good to have someone to share your life with. Someone to love and be loved. In fact it would be great, but only if it’s the right person. The NEED to have a man in my life isn’t greater than the NEED TO HAVE THE RIGHT MAN.

9) Don’t you want to have babies? Your biological clock is ticking.
This one cracks me up. I can barely take care of myself. We’re talking about a situation where I have a husband, and we’re trying to deal with being married to each other. Add to this, the hypothetical kids I want to have….my head is already spinning. And technically, I don’t need to be married to have babies, if I’m so gung ho about kids n all. Oh the scandal of that!!
I’d want to have kids when I’d WANT to be a mother, when I’m READY to be one. Not because of a darn biological clock.

10) Getting married will fix all your problems.
I can say so much here. Like there are no divorces. Like all married people are totally happy and problem free. Like me being unemployed or having a health issue will get magically sorted if I get married. Especially in India, marriage is seen as an answer, a solution to most of life problems at a certain age. That it’ll “fix” everything. This is not just illogical, far from helping it can make things worse if it’s a bad match from either side.

So, life’s not exactly a breeze when you’re 32 and single. But it’s not bad either. It’s pretty much like any other age. Life would be so much simpler and a lot more fun if this whole hoopla and pressure about marriage can be toned down just a bit, and friends, family and well-wishers can be a just a tad more understanding and a tad less intrusive and judgemental. Just know that I’m okay being 32 and single, and be okay with that!

6 comments:

  1. Haha...I love this! I've heard numbers 2, 3, 4 and 8...and they all annoy me! I don't know if you've got this one --- "Don't worry...I'm sure you'll find someone soon/the right guy will come along". Um...I'm not worrying but thanks for thinking I am! :-|

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    1. Oh yeah, that one is usually accompanied by the slight head shake and a slightly pitiful look :))

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  2. I love this post.. Every question and every answer is so so right and me! :D
    Kudos.. I am gonna share this post with a few of my friends who always want to set me up with guys... they need this! :D

    Great blog!: )

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    1. Thanks much for the kind words...means a lot for a starter like moi :)

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  3. MAN!!! Why did u not join blogging earlier??
    btw u might like to read this
    http://anuglyhead.blogspot.in/2014/01/the-art-of-being-traditional-with.html

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    1. Umm...I was lazy...and didn't think anyone would really read this stuff...:D
      Thanks Red Handed, will check out that link right now!

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So....what d'ya think?