Get me outta here!

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

The One With Mr. A

To be fair, this post isn't really written by me. Most of it comes from a gentleman I had the misfortune of corresponding with. We’ll call him A. I suspect he has most of this monologue memorized and would willingly recite it by heart, for all those girls who prefer to talk to him on the phone.

Here it goes:

Email 1:

Dear ---,

I got your email from your Father. It is regarding Matrimonial alliance. I think the horoscopes are in agreement.

We can communicate over email before we talk.

Just reply back with the specific details you want to know about me.
Strike one.

I don't respond for a day, generally procrastinating.

Next day, email 2:

A: Chalo Let me begin…

I was born in Bangalore (a premature birth at 7 months) on 25 april 78.
Yupp. I so needed to know about the premature birth. Strike two.

My father was posted at haldia refinery (near Kolkata) at that time. I started my schooling in Gujrat (Rajkot). Subsequently my father was posted to Beawar (near Ajmer).
From 1989 onwards we are settled at Noida (Uttar Pradesh). I have done my schooling from 7th standard onwards at Somerville school Noida.

Joined GAIL in 2000 March.

I was posted at Agartala (capital of Tripura) from 2000 to 2004. I have finished my North east or Hard location posting tenure.
Thanks for the geography lessons. Is there going to be a quiz for this? And strike three.

I used to be addicted to cricket matches till my college days, (I have killed that desire now).
I have started going to gym (last 5 months and hope to continue for ever).

PETS ?? was never genuinely interested.
Strike four. And five and six.

Books Read of Late: Kite Runner, Bending Backwards (By Arun Shourie) ( A book on how systematically the constitution of India was undermined to push the case of reservations to for political gains), All of Jhumpa’s short stories. Strike Seven. I couldn’t get through Jhumpa’s books. Would love to see his reaction to Fifty Shades of Grey though.

I have forcefully made many people read this book (bending backwards). It is my silent contribution to spread awareness against reservations. Yeah, that’ll change the world. Strike eight.

My mobile No: 98XXXXXXXX.


No response from me. Next day, email 3:

Dear ----,

After your acknowledge my email I will write more about me. 

No response from me. Next day, email 4:

What next , can we talk over phone?? Strike…whatever. I lost count.

If OK SMS your mobile No to 98XXXXXXXX. I will call after 9.00 PM. You do not take hints very well, do you?

Writing about oneself can be very tiring . I’d have never guessed!

Bye

No response from me. Next day, email 5:

Dear ---,

I heard that you are very shy in your disposition? Really? From where??

Be thoda fast in your replies. You should rather say, at least send a reply!

Chalo Bahar Haal let us move to the process of familiarization. Is there a manual I've missed out on?

I am very independent by nature; respect every individual as a human being irrespective of his or her trappings. Freedom, choice and privacy are privileges or liberties that every human being is entitled to. Like my choice of not responding to you.

I have strong hindutva leanings but turning secular off late. Yikes.

I am a strong votary of BJP , but I have never voted in my life. There’s your ideal citizen.

I am not religious by practice. E.g I had my poonal (thread ceremony) only 4 years back and still many a times I don’t wear it. OMG. Blasphemy.

I enjoy going to movies with my friends. I have not m missed any major movie release over the last 2 years.

I have a good grip over G K and current affairs (I recently won a Company wide Quiz contest).
You geek you.

I have recognized the importance of fitness (2 months before release of ghajni). I have started working on my body and want to remain very fit. Visionary you are, man!

I am coming to Noida for the week end (sat + sun) . Thanks for clearing that up, I thought they’d changed the weekend to wed + thu.

We could talk or meet??

No response from me. By this time my folks reach out to his and politely try to explain the incompatibility issues. The guy’s father then goes, “My son is getting very tense about the situation. He’s very anxious to meet your daughter. Can we come over tomorrow evening?”

FML.

PS: That was a pretty un-imaginative title for this post, but after a full day at work I couldn't come up with anything better. Then I figured the boring title went well with the person described. So that's that.

35 comments:

  1. I cant believe the sentences "a premature birth at 7 months" and "I have a good grip over G K and current affairs (I recently won a Company wide Quiz contest)" dint make you fall in love with the guy ??

    I kinda feel sad for the guy. He seems to really like you coz you see he is trying to impress you.. Went too ahead of himself with the continuous mails though..

    Loved reading the post and your interpretations of the mail :) :)

    Keep writing.. :) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I did feel a tingling in my stomach, but it was the kinds you before you have to puke :S.

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  2. What was he? Such a cartoon... How can one go on writing about himself if the other person is not responding at all! :D

    that week end (sat + sun) was hilarious! :D :D

    And yes, I'd wanna know what guys think about Mr. Grey.. ;) I don't know a lot of men who have read that book..Girls - almost all have ;)
    i couldn't stand Jhumpa Lahiri's books either! She is like arundhati roy - no-sense-award-winning authors!

    Interesting post, again! I haven't had such encounters yet, thats perhaps because ,I don't chat over emails.. I directly go and meet them! :D baat khatam! :D

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    1. I avoid meeting the guys till they pass my screening on email and chat. Imagine having to keep a straight face through this monologue!
      Would love to read about your FTF encounters though!

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  3. "Premature birth at 7 month" --- because that's how we all introduce ourselves to a potential partner!! :P

    "Strong votary" --- what the hell does 'votary' mean?? Didn't even know there was such a word.

    Apparently if you don't reply to his emails, you are shy. Not uninterested. :-|

    He obviously is a very self-involved dude given he was able to rabbit on and on without any response and the lack of response was attributed to you having a problem! :P

    Looking forward to reading more of your hilarious encounters... :D

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    Replies
    1. hehe yeah. more stuff coming up soon :)

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  4. To the guy's credit, at least he was earnest. Okay may be too earnest for comfort!
    And thank god there are people like me who can't make head or tail of Jhumpa's books. I've read 2, but couldn't get what the hype was all about. But I seem to run into people who think she is amazing. Ditto with Arundhati Roy.

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    1. Yeah I didn't get Arundhati Roy either! Really can't figure out the hype about both of 'em.

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  5. Are you kidding me, is this guy for real, and is this post a straight copy paste from his mails or have you embellished it with your own masala :) If this is real, then this guy is reasonably desperate to get married, that too to somebody who doesn't even care to reply to his mails, and that is nothing but trouble.

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    Replies
    1. No masala Jairam...pretty much copy paste. Changed a few details to maintain the guy's anonymity though.

      Delete
  6. Hehehe...i know a person who currently works with GAIL..do you want some background search!!

    LOL on the G.K part...i am a GK lover too..even hubby! We actually asked each other GK questions one night when there was no power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reading your comments, i am so happy because i couldn't finish "The God of Small Things"

    PS: I could finish only 1.5 books of the Fifty Shades trilogy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I too didn't get God of Small Things. I didn't get through more than 50 pages of 50 shades...not a fan of those either. I'm more of a Potterhead :)

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  7. Company-wide Quiz contest winner deserves at least an email reply?? :)

    Destination Infinity

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    Replies
    1. My bad....how will I live with myself now!! :D

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  8. Holy Shit!!
    I didn't know such people exist! Seriously, TTS, I am totally with you on all the strikes you counted. And he actually expects to meet you..Doesnt take hints at all..

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    Replies
    1. Yepp Preeti, they're as real as a rock...no pun intended :D

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  9. ROFL! Please send him to some meuseum. This dude is rare :D

    The description of Arun Shourie's book -hilarious.

    Thanks for an entertaining read :)

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  10. HAHahhahhahahhaha .. omg, you know i can so very well relate to this , as my family has started "the search".. But this guy is epic. Why does he have to mention the premature thingy, forcing people to read that nonsense book, in a bid to spread awareness!!! reallyyy !!! hahhahaha ..

    You know what , this was a hilarious read. hats off to you, for putting up with him

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  11. The man is extremely desperate to get at least a word out of you. Seriously, this is not taking him anywhere. Loved your keynotes everywhere :).

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm sorry for laughing so much. More than the contents of the letter, your sarcastic replies were awesome. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for laughing so much Ashwini....makes me too feel better about the whole thing :)

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  13. Lol so is he coming??????????????/ to meet u even after you parents let them know?
    And the weekend going to wed+Thursday...LOOOOOOOOOOL!!!

    You have one amazing blog here!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Red....He really wanted to come down n meet me!

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  14. thanks for dropping by my blog, not so much for your comment (for it too) but more because I discovered your blog through the comment :D
    You're hilarious! too funny! Love your writing style - following you!!! :) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Canary....you've got a great blog too :)

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  15. Has not missed a single major movie in last two years and a government office GK winner..... what else do you need in a guy...???

    There is something called "too much information" and I have come across so many people who do not understand this concept. Our "7 month premature born" friend seems to be suffering from the same problem.

    Looking forward to your next post. They make such a relief after a hard day at work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BT, I know, I couldn't have asked for more, no? :D

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  16. hahaha.. best part was "my son is getting very anxious" :P I did meet a similar guy when I was groom hunting. :)

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    Replies
    1. Glad to know I'm not the only one :)

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  17. First time here..and got enlightened that matrimonial introduction can indeed contain details of birth details and father can pitch in and convey son's anxiety to the prospective bride !!

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    Replies
    1. Oh you haven't seen the half of it SM!!

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  18. OMG!! I can't believe that there could be such people. How could he go on rattling about himself where there was no response!! Sheesh! :-/

    The premature birth, the weekend (sat+sun) and all the geography stuff made me laugh so much! :D

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So....what d'ya think?