Get me outta here!

Friday, 17 January 2014

The One With My Own Mr. Collins

To me, this guy brought to life one of the most ridiculous characters from my favourite classic Pride and Prejudice - Mr. Collins. This entire exchange took place on chat and lasted about a week.

So our boy, let’s call him J, starts off with the usual routine questions – What do you expect in your spouse…blah blah blah. And I give him the usual drivel. I figure I should ask him the same questions - its common courtesy, after all.

Just the right thing to ask, apparently. J responds with sudden enthusiasm and excitement, with what is an obviously well-rehearsed script.

J: Just three things.

1. To be well qualified
2. To be employed
3. To be reasonably good looking

That doesn't sound bad at all, I think. The third point does seem a bit superfluous, but to each his own.

J: Let me elaborate on these points. 

Big mistake.

I want my kid to have a good education, and that is not possible by trusting it with school education alone. Parents have to play an active role in coaching the kid. This can happen only when the parents themselves are well qualified. Any one of the engineering/technology/management/finance/research stream will do.

Me: Uh…is that why you're well educated? To make sure your kid gets a good education? And the Master’s degree you’re pursuing?

J: Oh no. That I'm doing for my own career growth.

As an after thought - And I can coach my kids too

Me: But primarily for your career?

J: Oh yes, my master's degree is for myself primarily

Me: Umm…so likewise. My education is and will be primarily for my career. Frankly, the idea of doing an MBA or something for the sake of your hypothetical future child’s education and coaching is kinda amusing, if not downright funny.

No reaction.

Moving on to the next point.

J: She has to be employed, NOT because I want to use her as a source of income, but because I want her to be independent. Should something happen to me, she should be able to survive on her own. The reason is, when a woman is alone without support, men tend to take advantage of the situation. Besides, if she only had to stay home, she need not have studied at all! Why did her parents have to educate her if all she was going to do was sitting at home doing mundane jobs like cleaning vessels and washing clothes? She should not be wasting her talent sitting at home. She has to interact with the world outside to know what's happening, that's one of the ways she can be independent.
I earn well enough to support a family and parents too. Hence, it's not for the salary that my spouse would bring in, but for her own security.

Me: Not that I intend or expect to stop working, but I might try and do different things, not necessarily stay with a corporate job. I love photography, so maybe I’ll take time off and focus on that. Or I might start working with an NGO. There’s no guarantee of money there, but I’ll be doing something I love. But you’re okay with that right; this is not about my salary?

J: And what would you do if something happened to me, I mean your spouse?

Me: Hmm…didn’t think of that. How about we take a big fat insurance policy in your name? :D
Or I could get remarried.

J: However, I want her to be career strong. For her own security!

Yeah. I got that bit.

J: Thirdly, I'm reasonably good looking, so I can only expect a reasonably good looking partner.

Me: Define “Reasonably” good looking. You seem very particular about looks.

J: Not very. But can you send me a picture of yourself? I would like to know what my (prospective) partner looks like.

Me: Am sure you've seen my picture. I believe my folks sent you some.

J: Too small. That's why I'm asking you for clearer and bigger ones.

Me: Erm. I don’t think I have any clearer and bigger pics. Sorry.

J: Could you get something clicked maybe? One of the pics your parents sent was clear but that was not a solo pic. The girl next to you was pretty though.

That’s clear enough for you?

Me: I can get you her number :D

J: Why the hell did I contact you then? This is about us. I've seen prettier girls

Me: That was a joke! Never mind.

J: Oh. Ok.


Note to self: Non-existent sense of humor. Doesn't seem to get sarcasm either.

Me: No other criteria?

J: Just one more. I appreciate open and honest communication.

Fair enough. After all, that is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. But wait.

J: Having said that, one also has to know when to speak and when not to. There's something called "tact". I believe in using it to the maximum extent possible. Sometimes it’s better not to say certain things.

Right. Open tactful honest selective communication.

After this point, mostly, a wicked sense of curiosity and boredom kept me going. I mean, sure, he starts off well. But somewhere along the line he digresses into territory bordering on absurd. Should be good entertainment.

Plus, you go back to parents after one conversation and say, “He’s an idiot”, they just don’t buy it. Give it time, they say. Like idiocy wears off with prolonged use.

J: Do you expect your partner to relocate?

Me: Hmm I never thought about it.

I’d taken it for granted that I’ll be the one relocating, that’s how it works most of the time in South Indian arranged marriages.

J: I don't expect my partner to relocate.

Me: Wow. That’s unexpected….And nice.

Hang on…wait for it…

J: However, the reason I can't pull out of Bangalore is because the company I work for currently is a great place to work for. It’s in fact ranked the 6th best company in the world in terms of work culture. And they have engineering offices only in the US and in Bangalore. It's not that I'm not willing to compromise, but I'm helpless. If only this company had an office in Delhi, I’d definitely relocate.

I knew you wouldn't disappoint me by being all sensible now!

Me: Do you expect your spouse to be a good cook?

J: It's not mandatory, but it helps. Coz' I don't know how to!

Me: Well, I don’t either.

J: !

Me: ?

J: Just wondering, how we're going to manage if we get married.

Ever heard of this concept where you pay people to cook for you? It’s fairly common.

After about two-three chat sessions over a few days, he suddenly says, quite out of the blue, “If you have already found your partner, let me know!”

I ask him, “Would I be talking to you if that was the case?” It’s not like I enjoy inflicting this intellectual torture on myself.

“I've met a couple of girls who do this”, he explains. “Keep chatting, and one fine day: "Hey I'm getting married with xyz.”"

And at that point I laughed out loud. It’s times like these that I’m profoundly glad I’m on chat with these idiots. Had I been on the phone, or worse, in person, this guy would have been exceptionally offended, what with the ego and everything. But in this case, I got away with a few curious and strange looks from people sitting around me in office.

After assuring him that I haven’t “found my partner”, I go on and say, “Maybe those girls were talking to more than one person at a time...and made a decision. It's really not like they were seeing you or anything. This isn't really a committed relationship. They were probably keeping their options open.”

This led to an angry tirade – “If they were not seeing me, why should they express an interest in my profile? A lot of people do the 'better-better-best' thing these days. They keep hopping grooms. "Hey, this 'Y' guy looks a little better, let me ditch 'X'”

Me: So, you take an expression of interest as some kind of commitment?

Uh oh.

J: No, but if a girl has been talking for a while and tells you that she'd want to marry you, and all of a sudden switches tracks when she finds someone else better looking or better salaried, I don't think that defines "keeping options open". It's playing a female Casanova. I hate two timers!
Me: Maybe they just liked someone else more than they liked you, like as a person, not just because of money or looks.

At this point he moves to a different track: “Many years back we got to know of an astrologer who said a couple of things. They all turned true.”

Erm. Okay.

“He said I'd be extremely faithful to my wife. And I truly view her as an equal in my life. Will let NOTHING happen to her, even if something happens to me,” he announces triumphantly, clearly expecting me to swoon.

Who wouldn't take the word of an astrologer and fall for such a guy! Unthinkable. Take that, all you two timing female Casanova bitches, you don’t know what you just missed.

J: My elder brother lives with us. He’s not married. When he was of the age of marriage, he was running behind a career, and money. He's 38 now and has resumed searching, expecting an Aishwarya Rai. For that he has to look like Salman too! And that's not the case. Now he has got loads of money but no one to share his life with.

What beautiful sentiments to have about your own brother. You’re the man! If that doesn't make a girl fall for you, I don't know what will!

And then there’s this gem:

Me: It is a bit awkward, talking to a stranger. Have you done this before?

J: ??? Done what?

Me: Talking to a stranger! On the phone or on email?

J: Shit! You sacred the wits out of me!! I thought you meant something else.

What. The. F***. Really? What is it you think we’re doing right now?

So there you have Mr. Collins – complete with silly ideas and long winded speeches about why one should marry, some amount of arrogance, vanity and complacent self-approval.

Sigh. Mr. Darcy, where art thou?


  1. Hahahaaa.... Two lines into the post, I was sure, this would be a hilarious read... And what a comparison with P & P character! :D

    I pray you get your darcy soon... Good luck with the process.. I know it can be excruciating and stupid at the same time! :D

    Nice post, TTS! :)

    1. Thanks Mi. I actually enjoyed the conversation with him, it was that silly!

  2. SharedKittyKeeper:

    There need to be many more such posts, it's like a peek into online dating gone bad!! Please add a few more!

    I'm sure this would have been an (ahem) interesting experience, but makes for excellent reading :) "Like idiocy wears off with prolonged use." - Hahaha!!

    I wish we could know if he found his well-educated, employed and reasonably good looking match, you know someone to enjoy tactful, open conversations with :)

  3. LMAO. I don't think I've snorted/giggled more while reading a post. Pretentious morons do make excellent subjects for hilarious posts!

    Good luck with finding Mr. Darcy ;)

    1. Yupp and I've met more than my share :(

  4. I've met such idiots. Conversations with them left me fuming mad. I'm glad that you have a great sense of humour to try and find something amusing in these exasperating discussions.
    I hope you meet Mr. Darcy real soon. Loved your Collins analogy :)

  5. Side-splitting funny! Rofl

    I hope you find your Mr. Darcy soon! :)

  6. Its quite amazing how I found your blog. Mr Collins sent a message tht he liked my profile and wanted to go ahead. The about me section did grab my attention as it clearly gave an idea that this guy is nothing less than a desperate wannabe. “Ego! C’mere….Grub’s ready!” - I had no clue wht the meant or even which language it really was. So I googled it and the search results lead me to his numerous matrimonial profiles and bingo your blog post. I relate to all your posts. Keep writing. You are truly a soul sister.

    1. Hey Anon, I was thrilled to see your comment, I's so inexplicable! Sad to see that this guy is still out there. OTOH, it's not really surprising.
      I had to remove that bit from the post though, as I don't want any of the characters in my posts to be publicly identifiable! And the best part is - he wrote all this to me in an email. I had no clue he had all these profiles floating around :))
      Good luck to you, soul sister....hope you find an awesome guy!

    I stumbled upon it today. May be it would be of any help.
    All the best.


So....what d'ya think?