Get me outta here!

Friday, 10 January 2014

The One With the Stalker

I've found out the hard way that Facebook is not worth the trouble it causes. The amount of information people willingly or unwittingly share is disturbingly detailed, and that makes it a voyeurs’ and stalkers’ paradise. Someone jobless enough to spend time looking through people’s profiles and pictures and posts might well think - I feel like I know this person so well. The trouble starts when they start imagining some sort of reciprocation. From there to “I think I’m falling in love with her/him” isn't too far.

This is about one such person, who was in my college during my MBA. I barely knew him then, might have spoken to him a couple of times out of necessity. In the subsequent ten years, I even forgot he existed. Until I got a friend request on Facebook, which I accepted without much thought. We were in the same college for two years after all, and have about a hundred friends in common. Over the next four-five months, he managed to repeatedly ask me out, annoy me, scare me, creep me out, harass my friends, really piss me off and successfully make it to my ignore list.

Some amount of pity and a lot of outrage led me to pen down a few things – this one seemed to have missed the “Common Sense” class in life. Someone should tell him. Might as well be me.

So, dude, here goes:

1. Never ever EVER talk about your rashes to a girl. And offering (read threatening) to send her a pic of it is just gross. Do you like to go around looking at people’s rashes?? Actually, don’t answer that.

2. Learn to take a hint. If she makes excuses every time you try to meet up for a coffee, she doesn't want to. If she doesn't email you or call you up when you give her your number and email, she doesn't want to. If she doesn't give you her email or number in spite of your repeated requests, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO.

3. When you've been stalking her on Facebook and apparently monitoring her every move – telling her how much you know about her will only creep her out. She’s neither going to be impressed by your stalking skills, nor is she going to be flattered by your voyeurism.

4. Facebook messages are not “conversations”. I know that’s what your FB inbox tells you, but don’t take it so literally. You send her a dozen FB messages and she responds to a couple of them – that doesn't count as “talking”. That certainly doesn't make you “involved” with her.

5. When you’re rambling on for a good 40-50 lines, stop and read what you've written. You probably think you sound all romantic, poetic, profound. What you really come across as is a doped up, incoherent dolt.

6. Recognize a brush off. Say, for example, you send a 40 line message, follow it up with a 10 liner, and get 2 lines back, she’s probably not interested. Despite multiple messages, you don’t hear back from her - she’s definitely not interested. And acknowledging in your next unsolicited message that “someone” seems determined to ignore you – that just makes you look like a desperate moron. What part of this do you not get?

7. Don’t mistake politeness for enthusiasm or interest. On second thoughts, this is probably a lesson for me. Note to self: stop trying to be polite to random idiots.

8. Stop harassing her friends. If she’s cut you off, it’s with good reason. Hounding her friends to talk about her isn't going to win you any points. And when you lie to her friends and imply a lot of things that just aren't true, remember that they’re her friends. They know her better than you.

9. Things like “Mature adults should be talking it out” sound great in movies and dramas. No one “talks it out” with delusional stalkers. One just ignores.

10. One doesn't build a future with someone based on a couple of messages on Facebook. That’s just imagination and fantasy. There’s something called real life. Seriously, get one.

PS: I never thought of this song as creepy before, but it does seem to be tailor made for stalkers.

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you
Oh can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take


  1. Good one, so everything actually happened!! The font is not legible at all, can do something about that. - Sam

    1. Hope this is better Sam, though I loved the erlier template and font. But no point if it isn't legible!

  2. Not commenting only about this post, but in general on your blog:
    Like I promised on DI's blog, I did hop in here and you are right. You are so different from the other bloggers. And I am having a blast going through your blog! :)
    Adding you on Reader.. :)

    1. Thank you Preeti! I'll also add you on my Blogroll as soon as I figure out how to!! Totally new to this, so I'm still stumbling around Blogger.

  3. You are funny! :D that was a nice post!

    1. Thank you! Being a newbie at blogging, comments such as these mean a lot :)
      And yes, I just figured out how to reply to a specific comment :D:D

  4. Face palm to stupid stalkers! :D

  5. SharedKittyKeeper:

    "Dear God! Where do you find them and why do you keep sending them to me??" - This needs to be your anthem!

  6. I made this mistake one,, came off as a completed jackass, havent done it since the...


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